Music

Rock Star Birthday Parties for August 25

by Barry Taylor

Happy August 25! If you’re celebrating a birthday today you’re in good company. Claudia Schiffer turns forty today. So does Robert Horry. Rachel Ray is celebrating her forty-second and porn star Whitey Stevens is twenty three (bet she celebrates by getting laid). There’s a ton of musicians due for some b-day bumps too.

The amount of celebrity birthdays that happen on August 25 is literally out of control. It’s time to stop, take a deep breath and regain that control. There’s lots of birthday parties going down today, let’s break down the Top 10 from the world of rock and roll.

#10 Gene Simmons (1949)

This birthday party would be a greasy spectacle. Gene Simmons thinks his shit don’t stink everyday of the year, imagine what’s he’s like on his birthday?  The amount of guests literally and figuratively sucking his dick would be nauseating. Anyone that’s ever laughed after Gene Simmons told them a joke has no soul. No lie. Look it up.

Location: Wedgewood Banquet Center in Brentwood California
Cake: Oversized head bust made by Cake Boss. TLC and A&E work out a cross promotion deal.
Loot bag: Filled with unsellable KISS swag. Mostly misprinted concert tees and faulty Lick It Up epipens.

#9 Stuart Murdoch (1968)

This shindig is definitely happening in the afternoon. The Belle and Sebastian frontman doesn’t drink, he’s a vegetarian and he’s a regular at Sunday mass. There’s nothing wrong with any of that, but if enjoying a beer or two, with ribs, while talking about science is your thing, this party isn’t for you.

Location: Church Basement
Cake: Carrot
Loot bag: Tootsie Rolls and WWJD bracelets

#8 Amy McDonald (1987)

Another Scottish born singer. McDonald turns 23 today so she’s the youngest on the list. Celebrating a birthday in a room full of twenty three-year-olds with hot accents is never a bad thing. She’s also a big fan of the Libertines so the odds of a good party soundtrack are high.

Location: Some music producers loft
Cake: Standard Chocolate
Loot Bags: Barnes and Noble gift cards and airplane bottles of Glenlivet

#7 Vivian Campbell (1962)

This guy is a journeyman.  He played in Whitesnake and Dio. In 1992 he joined Def Leppard and as of this past May he’s a member of Thin Lizzy. All of his stories would start out awesome and then fade to shit.

Vivian: There was one Def Leppard tour that was so crazy I didn’t think we’d make it out alive…
You: No way, was it the Hysteria Tour? That must have been nuts!
Vivian: No, no. That was before my time. I’m talking about the Slang Tour. Fans were literally trying to murder us. It got ugly.

The whole party would have the feel of a rhythm guitarist that’s joined the band after the glory days: so close to greatness but not quite there. For instance, there’s an open bar, but the only choices are Mike’s Hard Lemonade and homemade beer.

Location: Campbell’s girlfriends backyard
Cake: Duncan Hines Vanilla
Loot Bags: Burned copies of Window 95 and Eat-mores

#6 Elvis Costello (1954)

He’s so cool the party couldn’t, not be fun. Be sure to keep an eye on Mrs. Costello though. You let her loose on that open bar and she’ll turn into Diana Kralling all over the floor in no time.

Location: Small, upscale restaurant in Brooklyn.
Cake: Lemon Meringue Pie
Loot Bag: Diana’s Juno Awards

#5 Rob Halford (1951)

Metal God recently appeared in a Virgin Mobile commercial. He played a priest no less. Richard Branson should probably throw him a birthday party as a thank you. Billionaires throw great b-day jams. Three words: Chocolate-covered-diamonds.

Location: Cruising Virgin 747 Jet
Cake: Angel food cake made from real Angels
Loot Bags: 100 Grand Bars and cell phone plans.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3rulnlKt5Kc

#4 Derek Sherinian (1966)

Sherinian is a keyboardist who’s toured and wrote with artists like Alice Cooper, Billy Idol, Alice In Chains and KISS. The stories this guy must have would make any party sensational, even if there were no hats.

Plus he’s a keyboardist so you gotta assume his ego is in check. If Phantom of the Opera taught us anything, it’s that keyboardists are fragile artists.

Location: Applebees
Cake: Whatever’s available
Loot Bag: Piano key chains

#3 Billy Ray Cyrus (1961)

The odds of a full on line dance session to a live version of Achy Breaky Heart are slim, but do you want to risk it happening and you not being there? Probably not.

Plus what if Miley shows up? Say what you will about the young lady but she held her own and then some in an interview with the David Letterman. That’s some Jedi shit.

Location: Disney World
Cake: Hannah Montana Banana Cake
Loot bags: Twizzlers and all five seasons of DOC on DVD.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m_Z0YXuFdqk

#2 Jeff Tweedy (1967)

The last time I saw Wilco was in a theatre. As I sat down a nicely dressed, older gentlemen leaned over to me and said, “I should’ve brought more hash.” Fuck yes. When successful old people still smoke pot, and good amounts of it, they’re cool as hell. Just like Ted Danson’s character in Bored To Death.

Wilco fans just seem happier with life in general. How could the party not be awesome?

Location: Your happy place
Cake: Fudgy the Whale
Loot bags: Perfectly rolled joints and brand new iPhones

#1 Spider One (1968)

Born Michael David Cummings, he fronts the metal band Powerman 5000. More notably, he’s the younger brother of Rob Zombie.

The party will start out cordial but after a few brown pops are downed you know there’s  a ‘mom always liked you best!’ tilt that will inevitably break out. It’ll go down like an episode of the Smothers Brothers on ether.

The night ends while it’s still light out. Mikey’s cranking More Human Than a Human on the family stereo and punching holes in the walls. The police have been called.

Location: Parent’s place
Cake: Doesn’t matter, it gets chucked across the room before the table is cleared from dinner.
Loot Bags: Werthers Originals and digital download cards with the latest Powerman 5000 track. Album release TBD.