Music

Barry Taylor's 8 Horribly Inappropriate Wedding Songs

by Barry Taylor

June has arrived and summer is just around the corner. Finally, the northern hemisphere gets a taste of the good life.

Summer is great for so many reasons. There’s more daylight. There’s less clothing. Everyone’s buzzing off their boost of vitamin D. And the fear of a roaming polar bear attack is minimized.

Summer is also the season when most couples choose to make their love legally binding through the timeless tradition of marriage. Music plays a big part at weddings. No celebration is complete without a festive soundtrack. But what if the music was focused more on reality as opposed to romantic fantasy?

Presenting the Inappropriate Wedding Soundtrack

Processional Song

Artist: Kenny Rogers
Song: the Gambler

Let’s lay the cards on the table. 50% of marriages end in divorce. Would you take those odds with skydiving? Probably not. But when it comes to committing the rest of the life to another person, you’ll go all in. Daniel Negreanu’s got nothing on you.

Recessional Song

Artist: Blink 182
Song: Stay Together For the Kids

Again, it’s a matter of playing the odds. Just a friendly reminder as you walk towards your future: when decision time comes, think of the children. Maybe they’ll be better off if the two of you split, but Tom Delonge doesn’t think so.

Introduction Song

Artist: Pearl Jam
Song: Better Man

Have you ever been to a wedding and stared in disbelief as the couple is introduced at the reception? You stand and applaud, but the whole time you’re thinking, why the hell are these people together? Eddie Vedar breaks it down Dr. Phil-style with this track.

Dinner Song

Artist: LMFAO ft. Lil John
Song: Shots

There’s lots of reasons to get drunk at a wedding. Some drink to celebrate, others drink to cope. Ideally you’d like to get through the meal before you start to numb your brain, but realistically…JAGER BOMBS!

First Dance Song

Artist: Madonna
Song: Pappa Don’t Preach

The first dance of the night is always memorable. It’s that special moment when the father dances with his little girl one last time before ceremonially passing her on to the new man in her life. Seems like as good a time as any for the bride to let daddy know she’s knocked up.

Bouquet Toss

Artist: Rage Against the Machine
Song: Bulls on Parade

Have you ever gotten between a desperate brides maid and an airborne wedding bouquet? Of course you haven’t. Because if you had, you’d be dead; trampled like a drunk guy that goes for an ill-advised stroll in Pamplona.

Garter Toss

Artist: Primus
Song: Wynona’s Big Brown Beaver

Pretty self-explanatory.

Last Song of the Night

Artist: Dead Kennedys
Song: Too Drunk to Fuck

While Hollywood has taught us that weddings are the ideal place to find someone to fornicate with, they fail to mention the impact an open bar can have on the situation. Thankfully there’s people like Jello Biafra out there to clarify.