Canadian Music Week is rockin’ right now in Toronto.  Week long events like these have their pluses and minuses.  On the positive side there’s a crap load of great shows happening all over the city.  There’s also some pretty massive parties with lots of great people.  At the other end of the spectrum are the dozens of music industry shitheads that show up and taint any kind of integrity the festival strives for.

During CMW, or CMF now, the name dropping is out of control.  Hotels are literally filled with morons walking around with laminates swinging from their necks and sunglasses on their foreheads saying stuff like, “If you bump into Lanois say hi to him for me.  I interviewed him in Timmins back in ’94.  Great guy.”

Fortunately there’s lots of booze and various substances available at every turn during music gatherings.  Once you become inebriated enough to block out the mid-life-crisis hosers the festival takes on a whole new feel.  There’s a quiet sense of pride that comes when discussing the Canadian rock culture.

Is Canada the greatest musical-nation on the planet?  If we are we’d never admit it.  Everyone knows Canada is a humble nation.  Sure, we go ape-shit when it comes to hockey but other than that we rarely openly boast about any of our other great achievements.  That’s not our thing.

To think any Canadian, with any sense of decency, would ever suggest that our rock culture is so god damn awesome that we could go to war with America or even England’s rock culture is just straight up ballsy.  Well guess what Jocko?  It’s time to get ballsy.  Out of control ballsy.  Teabaging your friend at the Royal York while you’re in town for a work conference, ballsy.

Presenting Canada’s Royal Family of Rock

The King’s Army

To be part of the King’s Army is an honor.  You’ve got to be a band that has not only succeeded at home, but also abroad.  You’re currently out there representing the True North strong and free.  You are the best of the best.  Top Gun style.  Mav and Canadian Goose.  The Red and White are represented by the following:

Fucked Up,  Tokyo Police Club, Arcade Fire, MSTRKRFT, Metric, Broken Social Scene, Alexisonfire, Peaches, Comeback Kid, Constantines, Bedouin Soundclash, Cadence Weapon, the Flatliners, the Weakerthans, Protest the Hero, Sam Roberts, Melissa Auf der Maur

Military Leader: Propagandhi

To lead the King’s Army you’re gonna need a band that knows when and where to strike.  A band that understands international affairs and has earned the respect of their contemporaries across the globe.  And at the end of the day, when shit goes down, you can always rely on them to take out the bad guy.  A Mountie that swears and carries a big gun.  Our nation’s music culture can rest easy knowing that there are few punk rock bands across the globe that can hold a candle to our Military Leader:

Princess: Feist

One of the most popular female artists in music today.  She’s had a massive song that opened doors for performances on Saturday Night Live, Colbert Report and mother fucking Sesame Street.  That’s right.  What do Canadian Princesses do?   They sing with Muppets.  Awesome.   She’s far from a one hit wonder and already has a body of work that suggests she may want to consider slaying her brother at some point in time so she can run the family.

Prince: Dallas Green

The next in line.  An unbelievably daunting task and to be fair, there may never again be a king like the one our culture has now.  With so many gifted male artists in Canada this came down to unbiological birthright.

So far there isn’t anything this artist has done that hasn’t worked.   His band is already in the King’s Army and his solo work is just as deserving.  He’s maintained artistic integrity despite some mainstream success and his potential has yet to be realized.  A far more sensitive artist than his bold father, yet vocally he is by far the superior of the two.  Not to be confused with the World Series winning manager of the Philadelphia Phillies, our great young hope:

Kings Council

3 Legendary artists.  Jedi Knights.  Hall of famers.  Wingmen.

1. Leonard Cohen – Greatest Canadian lyricist of all time.
2. Neal Pert – Cheetos Cheetah and Seth MacFarlane know what’s up.
3. Daniel Lanois – A buddy of mine from Timmins interviewed him and said he’s a great guy.

The Queen: Queen Joni Mitchell

She’s known around the world as one of the greatest folk musicians of all time.  The Counting Crows should be bitch slapped for butchering her most famous song.  However, she’s far to brilliant an artist to be concerned with such drivel.  A true icon.  Her Royal Magesty:

The King: Neil Young

The big guy.  If you had to pick one, this would be him.  When other nations can put up names like Dylan or Bowie you’re gonna want to come back with someone who can compete.  One of rock’s all time greats.  Who could possibly be better to lead rock in the free world?