Music

Calvin Harris threatens lawsuit over alleged massage parlour visit

by Jeremy Mersereau

Earlier this week, a now-removed story on Radar reported that multimillionaire DJ, producer, and royal consort to Taylor Swift Calvin Harris was seen leaving a Thai massage parlour in Hollywood. In Radar and other outlets’ venerable opinions, Harris almost certainly received a “happy ending” and this was responsible for his being dumped by Her Supreme Tayness.

Just look at the facts! 1) He visited a massage parlour! 2) Taylor Swift might be done with him, who knows, Selena Gomez doesn’t think so though. 3) End of facts. It just adds up: Calvin Harris got a happy ending from a masseuse and Taylor Swift dumped him in an icy rage!

Well, as any Game of Thrones fan knows, just assuming a happy ending occurred might be more fun, but it’s probably not what really happened. Fortunately for us Ned Stark fans, we generally don’t fact legal repercussions for assuming he got away just in time! Harris doesn’t seem too pleased about the nonstop media onslaught of uncorroborated stories about him maybe-probably-almost definitely getting a Rum Tug Tugger, at least according to his tweeted response:

Damn! That’s what I call a slam dunk. Excellent use of quotes too. If the whole hyper-successful DJ thing doesn’t pan out, Harris definitely has a future as a snarky internet blogger.